The Sunny Side

a life without highs and lows is flat and dismal.
i just spent hours listening to my roommate admit her lies to herself. the thing is that i see how she views me from her perspective and it is so far off from my reality and yet, at the same time, a lot of what she says can be taken in incredible value. so who is right?

are there any rights?

still when she talks about herself i can pick apart the rational and irrational thoughts that make her conscious mind true to her. but what i never realized, or didn't completely comprehend is that every time i judge her, she is also psychoanalyzing me.

i think that what will cure me is to completely take my mind off myself. i need to learn how to focus on other people and their problems to be empathetic. FULLY. i need to not rely on my self-fulfilling prophecies that may or may not work. i need to step up and take responsibility for my want to be selfless.

danielle says that i should not major in creative writing (ironically she thinks i'm a more talented artist.) she doesn't believe in my talent. RATIONALLY she doesn't believe in me writing, and i understand it. she doesn't think that i should go to school for writing, and i understand that because she doesn't know how it feels when i write. how i can connect with something when everything feels weightless and well, intangible, like i'm reaching into my grainy sandbox reality and all these people and ideas are just passing through my skin cells and out unto the safer, greener land. she doesn't see that side. she's not permitted to see because it's how i keep my brain intact and alive with ideas. ideas about my purpose that she's probably already summarized. i respect that she sees my writing as a loophole for other failures.

but it's also very true. i have no business going to school for something that will leave me ultimately wanting more and tieing me into a position for income. writing is an act for me, not a profession. i don't think my words are worth giving up that way. and i mean that. i'm tired of the questioning. i write because it's times like these, when i am needing something closer to the knowledge that keeps the earth blooming and reinventing itself, the wisdom that is in all the creases and folds of the fabric of life to emerge like intuiton before me, this all-consuming power that is the known world and worlds beyond and before me... all that i need is connection to keep me grounded and safe from floating off. honestly, it's a call for sanity.

i need writing because i need people to believe that i exist and want to know them.

there is something about the occult wisdom following the acknowledgement of immortality that pulls you away from rational conscious thought. or perhaps it's these times when you are closer to the bold truth. god has a unique way of developing and creating our intricate perspectives of how life does or doesn't operate. i have heard it said before- and the other day my friend brought it up again- but the way our lives twist and divvy around each other is impressive and it's also needed for our existence. so i go around thinking about this astonishing web and how i can expand mine to be rich and true and (more importantly) how to be generous with whom i extend a thread. mostly it has a lot to do with giving up all these perspectives about who you are, where you are going, why, and what you can do to accomplish the whole she-bang.

(i should edit the you's with i's, but i have a feeling that you understand the emotional capacity we have at hand here.)

so no, i'm not going to give up writing, but i will give up the kind of writing that doesn't free me or enlighten me or make me stronger so that i can fufill my life's purpose. there is so much that i could have said in defense of myself when she allowed me to sit there soaking up her depression and hurting twice ours, but it's not in the format of my purpose. if we want to live freely, we have to give up our very important prejudices. and there is no way to do that completely. yet, there is a way to try to be better at extending ourselves and to reinforce the universal connection that is love.

in all honesty, i want to say that Danielle doesn't have the gut in her to see both sides. but that would just be my subconcious mind still rolling with my want to open her spirit to my side. i don't want to admit that there is no way to do that because what it entails is extreme loneliness-- unless i quit thinking about myself entirely (impossible).

i will say that it's not easy to do, because there is nothing to combat my ego, no fair fight. i will say that i will give up the kind of writing that quilts my ego with unabashed lies and i will try to love myself less and i will try to do something worthwhile and i will try, god, i will try to help everyone i can.

IT IS SO HARD GOD ALL THAT I AM ASKING IS THAT YOU HELP ME BE A MEANINGFUL PERSON.
it is so hard but i will do it optimistically because it will help her.

helping danielle will mean that i will need to reevaluate and enclose my depression so that she can breathe. actually, it will mean that i will have to do it for a lot of people.

sometimes i feel guilty for being so engulfed in my sorrow. i don't want to be sad but i have no idea how to change on my own. i feel so lonely now, more than i've ever been in my life. i can't stop philosophising every situation so that i am desensitized to connection. sometimes i feel so seperate from my body that i'm convinced i'm no longer a part of what is happening to me. i feel like i have no control over where my brain takes me. and she doesn't understand that because it's in my make-up, it's chemical. she says just stop searching for happiness, but how do i stop? tell me and i will pursue it on demand. i have to actively seek to stop my depression and i just don't know how to change. i have to recreate my imbalances as pliable situations in my life so that i can control the outcome. it is because i love the temporary euphoria my mind creates in my internal body when it has triumphed negativity. that is why i always create negative situations: it is motivation to excel over the predetermined biases that i have cultivated along the way. it is learning and experience and i don't know if i can give it up.

a life without highs and lows is flat and dismal. i have naively believed that reciting maxims or reading contemporary positive psychology would help me cope, but the fact is that i WANT emotional turmoil because trying to shift my outlook is where i comfort myself. it's why people procrastinate: it gives them a challenge to overcome; it's the only way to adopt a fresh take. a life that is truly positive doesn't exist. so i understand that she needs to confront her problems by (unintentionally) belittling me.

it's just. it's just that i feel very lonely here. and i feel like i shouldn't be impacted by everything small and huge. and i feel affected and involved and at the same time incredibly disjointed. and i feel shaped by these trite opinions. and i feel purposeless and misunderstood and insufficient. and i feel like a whole lot of people feel like this but can't find others to help create this massive web that is would-be hope.

everywhere i go i see sadness & absurdity. and i promise that i am trying and i ask the creator-of-all-that-is to help me figure things out the right way, but perhaps there just isn't a right way and we're all right in our own way. it's too abstract for me to interpret into language, but i know that there is SOMETHING COMPLETE that i am searching for.

i guess all that i can do is float around in this dimension until i find it or it finds me.

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