The Sunny Side

laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone.
i have to be completely honest with myself. poetry aside.

i have reached a point in my life where i have no idea what to move forward for, or how to live in the now without regret of the past. i'm completely fucking scared. every day there is a new feeling, a flutter in my chest or spine, or hallucinations, or more lies. i am exhausted and frightened by the fact that i have absolutely no idea who i am anymore. sometimes it is so easy to detach myself and i feel that i am not a part of what is happening to me, as if i am just sitting in on a more distraught life than i want to experience.

i am tired and sad. very lost. completely lost. i have no idea what defines me or what makes me happy. positive people always say to me: do what makes you happy. and i honestly have no answer for it. i try to relax, to meditate, and i end up even more panicked and worried that i'm drifting away from reality. i am HONESTLY scared that i am losing the ability to distinguish between what is real and what is real to me. a walk will not help. therapy will not help. medication doesn't help. calmness is temporary. everything is edginess and mental sickness. i fear everything. i fear breathing and i fear losing breath. i fear death and i fear life. i fear letting go and holding on. i fear that there isn't a god. i fear that there isn't true connection. i fear the raw anxiety that overcomes me and manifests itself in my good intentions. i fear being loved and being unloved. i need help but i don't want to allow myself to be helped. one minute i'm completely elated by the idea that we create everything in our experience and the next moment it becomes a phobia: what if what i don't want happens to me because i choose to entertain the thought?

i lie. a simple story with a few extra plots and twists and exaggerations becomes melodramatic architecture. no one believes a word that comes out of my mouth. i talk flittingly about a multitude of subjects i'm not really invested in. i cheat myself out of enjoying a moment by breaking it down into the parts that are and are not justified. i don't even really know when this started; at first it was truth hinted with lies, and now there is no division. i believe my own lies. i'm scared. i know that. i'm scared, i feel it in my synapses. emptiness is starting to grow and develop and own me. and i don't know how to fucking change on my own. i try every day. i want to be a better person and i plead to god to help me, but i don't know if i'm talking to myself and then i start to question that. everything in this life is a question, including the end of it. i need to numb myself from the questioning.

the truth is that i'm incredibly ashamed that i can't control my own mind. and i can't control that i feel selfish for wanting people to love me and care about my stories and my opinions. they don't. everyday i realize how selfish humans are at the core of themselves, and reading new age philosophy only makes me feel that we all really want to believe that the world is about who we are. that we are the center of creation, as individuals. i have to be a part of something bigger than that! i want to be something that is meaningful to other's lives. and i want it to be a real, widespread truth through me. i feel guilty for talking about myself, so much that i become aware of every syllable that i speak. so i talk more to fill in the silences, and then i feel even more guilty. i feel like i shouldn't be able to speak about my worries because there are people who are worse off that i am. and at the same time i feel like i can't take any more depression or sadness off other people's concious. so i don't know about talking anymore. i don't want to listen because i'm sad and i don't want to talk because i feel narcissistic. and i don't deserve the people who want to help me. most don't anymore.
all that i want to do is give to people so that i don't have to invest time in myself. because i hate myself, and i will always hate my mind, that incredible powerful warped manipulative deceptive animal. i feel guilty that i know it's powerful. i feel paranoid that i don't have anything to offer. it mostly is about being afraid to ask me to love myself. (i can feel that statement, it's making my chest tighten)

i can't do this anymore. i'm paralyzed. and i went back and read this and still, i can pick out parts that are complete lies.

what do i do? i don't know how to help myself. i just want to let go, and even that feels selfish. EVERYTHING about me is so selfish. i don't even know what to do. i'm completely and totally lost. and i know the only person that can help me is hiding from herself.

i even feel guilty for writing this. so much time invested in understanding what my needs are.

i don't know what to do. i'm physically sick because of my mentality. and it's only progressively getting stronger and more controlling. and i can see every angle of every facet of every tiny fathomable or unfathomable atom of life. i see all of the two sides, but no doors.

my biggest fear is that i will never be able to stop the analyzing unless i completely dull my mind to the good parts, too.

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