The Sunny Side

what is a solid?
the most real and unimaginable, absurd truth came to me.

i'm not meant for America. i told my roommate tonight that if i had to work for a corporation for the rest of my life, if that is what i was looking forward to, getting out of school...or even going to school, earning money, having a relationship, that i seriously could not contemplate life. i have always thought very seriously-- even thoughts dating back to elementary school-- about attatchment. i have thought about what dress means to me, what school means to me, what relationships mean to me, goals, people, places, and even what the questioning means to me. every year and a half in my life has been a new stage, a new slate or a new beginning. every time i have moved i have spent a half of a year trying to adjust to a new place and a half of a year of bonding with people, only to spend the next third engulfed in creating who i was going to be next. it is not a secret why i lie; i have been a floating candle my whole life, a very nominal amount of molecules bobbing me around an unshaky surface. i think very seriously about who i am because i have spent my entire existence adapting to new environments. there is no wondering why i am unstable; i question even the merits of my relationship with my family, who are ultimately the only comfortable thing in my life. tonight i questioned out loud how i had become such a different person on the outside, and then i wondered what i was being different FROM, you know? Maybe i'm on a totally different plane of thought. there is a reason why i think about connection so much...it's because it has essentially been the most scary and uncomfortable thing for me, and yet it has brought the most joy.

i tend to generalize family under the "societal concepts" folder in my mind and then i can trace it all the way back to how psychologically powerless i feel about being on a different wavelength than they are. sometimes i think about actual controlling my brain to make myself on a higher mental plane so that i can spend the rest of my life in a mental institution and unfold communication with people i can learn from. it is not entirely true that i'm not learning from other people, i learn from the people i am surrounded by (including family and friends) inadvertently every day lessons of what i don't want to experience. it's not like i hate my family, i truly love them, it's just that i love them so much that i want to become deeply ingrained in their conciousness so i can learn from what they have learned, made the mistakes that i can avoid and move higher above. i watch my mother be so much a part of what feels real to her, Christianity, how she devotes her life to the act in society, the forming of order and design it has given her, and the consistency it has brought her and i am jealous. at the same time i am overjoyed that she has something that is real to her; i see that i have moved past religion quickly (as a process of growth). or that perhaps maybe i just have not found my own reality of an afterlife or the soul or any other word devoted to continuity. as is, there have been none available that have made me feel SAFE with the all-consuming questions of existence. i ask aloud every day (to a god that is also a question) to bring me some kind of resting place, even if it isn't the whole truth, just to settle down in something respectable. My mother has become so intertwined in the romanticism of Christianity (and of something KNOWING her reality) that she can feel OK with the hypocrisy in her life. on the other hand, i wish that even for myself that i could become a part of a belief in something, even if it was completely fictional. i wouldn't give up my overanalyzing nature, but at the same time i would love a life where there was certainity in anything at all. so i think about relationships with people and i feel...well, unconnected to a point where i become panicked. easily considerable, seeing as how i can't control how far away from the concensus reality that i can get.

the only solace that i have is in creating. at night i wonder of how much further i can get with the power of my mind. it has occured to me lately that genuis is sincerely the gift of isolation. and if i could be alone from (overgeneralization: everything), if i could devote my life to cutting off communication with other people and spend time studying what humanity has previously created and developed from, that i could conceivably be empowered by great works of art and soul. i could be immortal in that way.

and the other part of me (because these are revolving plans) wants to immerse myself in a primal culture so that i can learn the fundamentals of human interaction and involvement. i look at America and i am ashamed and awestruck at how far people have demoted from former intelligence. we are a society of implausible greed. on the whole, i do not believe that i have created an existence that wants to be part of the societal goals of American people. when i try to imagine a forseeable future, everything is fuzzy and unmanageable, except for the fact that i do not want to earn money any longer. i do not want to be part of the wickedness humanity has created. it has held too much power for too long over me. i am restrained and unresolved. there is no want anymore for any attachment in my heart, and yet i can't grasp a life without it. so i wait for a future where no one is holding me back from finding a place where i am simply a part of those meeting their basic needs of survival. can you imagine what it's like to do anything in your life when you understand that nothing matters? i watch this pocket wisdom in effect as people carry with them to help cope with the hardships in life; it is easy to think that nothing matters when you have something to fall back on or an easy way out (ie: suicide). but the truth is that i think that something matters and it is both curiosity and love. and i talk about it a lot, but it's so much deeper than words. it's as if i want to be a part of a culture where i have nothing and i am nothing tangible, but just accepted by being a part of a group of survival and interdependence. does that exist? in my mind for so long it was the peace corps, ecause then i could be in both worlds, the one of American freedom and the other of basically what i have perceived as love. but i see now that it has been mostly because i didn't want to choose to leave my family to become of a different mindset. so i wanted to keep the options open and also not get too far away from the only thing that is familiar to me. now i see that the most beautiful thing of this other world is only an allusion, that i can't get away from my mind. i do think i would be a lot happier if i were more basic, however. i would have a lot less to think about.

i don't know what to do. suicide would readily have been the answer, but in place of it i have come to believe that i would continue into conciousness not as a solution, but just the opposite. i believe that life and death are the same thing. i think that's what is incredibly scary. where is comfortable ground? what does it mean to be alive? i don't understand how people cannot question their purpose as a human every internal second of their life. i want to just BE. HOW. i don't know how to do it on my own. i read about how to be one with myself and with nature and that brings a entire new relative anxiety.

it's like i understand a little more that there isn't a solution every day and then i wonder what i'm capable of doing. or why it even matters. i pray for more wisdom, but the wisdom is that we don't have the resources to arrive at the answers. and that fucking scares me. that really fucking scares me.

tomorrow i will be arriving at new answers, just for my own personal perspective to thrive off itself.

Advertisement