a course in miracles.
i feel gutted. a blow to the sinless state, a bone pile of defeat, a little known territory revealed. i feel like my senses are cut off and floating, demagnatized, around my flat face and just out of reach. i feel like the underbelly of god is chuckling with damp thunder at my sad attempts to mend my sick heart. and although i know god is on my side, i can't help but to question his authority issues with all that my ego can muster.

what good will come of this world, when nothing but death cures my fickle appetite? i keep confusing death with happiness. the thought of escaping mortality is like a papercut that keeps thining my blood at the tip; the air stings and suffocates. i've found little purpose here.

i think it may be love. still, i will always think that everything real and true is open in some other task, so i'll reach for that actively. the truth, i know, is that everything real and true is open to me right now, but i feel abandoned by my gusto. there that lady goes, feeling thick at the hips and mind rooting at the surface. there she goes, all swing and sway and empty fly.

nothing is ever conveyed correctly in metaphors, so here it goes:

i am sad because i do not know what reality is. and the fact that i have the ability to question it must have give some depth. i'm giving my life up to finding answers i will possibly never know in this life; that of course, is death. and nothing really matters, nothing matters at all except god, whom i repeatedly find myself offending or seperating from. possibly i am scared of the real richness and understanding he could open up to me.

i am an unhealed healer.